Maalamaal, Mall, Maal

Suppose you are with a girlfriend – preferably yours (and not a girl who is a friend – the difference is vast) and have 200 bucks(I’ll spare you a sad pj involving actual bucks) with you. You have just had your lunch, paid your mobile bill of 500 rupees (4000 if you have a girlfriend) and transferred your HSBC credit account to your SBI credit card(but realized later on that the cheque was issued in your first and middle name, not your full name, so it was invalidated and now you have to pay the resultant penalty of 10k) – in short, you don’t need to spend on anything for the moment. So what do you do? Take a leisurely stroll in the park, munching on popcorn or ‘budhiya ke baal’ and chat away to glory (meaning – listen to the girl going on and on about Sharma Aunty and nod in an understanding manner coz u have read that girls dig good listeners)?
If you do so, you are out of your mind! Wake up, you un-cool couple! See the glitzy mall just around the corner? That’s where you should be headed! Why? Because that is where all the ‘kewl’ people meet. So now, after you have contemptuously dropped the idea of lazing around in the park (“What was I thinking? Parks??!! How boring!”) and embraced the hip dude in you, you enter the hallowed portals of The Mall.
After walking aimlessly for half an hour looking at all the grotesque mannequins (trouser displays with the body cut in half, t-shirt displays with head, arms and legs lopped off and the watch displays with a dismembered negroid hand wearing a glittery watch), the growing lactic acid in your legs warns you of an imminent cramp. You look around, hoping for a bench or an empty seat. After all, in a place teeming with hundreds of people, surely you can find a decent place to just sit and recuperate ( and seemingly gaze off into the distance when actually you are admiring the midriff of that hot girl on the escalator wearing the halter neck top and low rise jeans)? And after hunting around for sometime, you do find just the place. You sit and chat (by this time, the talk has moved on to a very different topic – Galgotia Aunty and her daughter, both of whom are big show offs), while the auto-scan feature in the male brain moves the eyes here and there for NSSP (Netra Se Sukh Prapti).
Suddenly, a couple appears and asks if you are not eating anything, do you mind getting your lazy asses off the chairs? You look around and realize that you are actually sitting in the food court of the mall where you can sit only as long as you are eating something. Those who know this fact, buy a bottle of coke, get two glasses, pour the coke and sit there just occasionally sipping at it. However you, being a fresher, hurriedly get up with an embarrassed look on your face. But you are still feeling tired. She suddenly comes out of her monologue (which by now has moved on to more serious topics like why she thinks Aryan Vaid should be the one to return to the TV show Big Boss) and says ‘Hey, lets go to Barista’s!’ And you jump at the idea, totally forgetting the old adage ‘Check the flush before you piss’, glad to take a break from the constant nodding and hmmm-ing which you were doing.
You enter Barista’s, see mostly couples sitting with their heads close to each other and their bums sticking out (the auto-scan goes on a hyperdrive at this point) and think ‘This, is my kinda place. I can just sit and talk mushy-mushy stuff over a hot cup of coffee.’ This pleasant reflection lasts for a mere minute. The moment you glance at the rate list, an outraged scream rings out in your head ‘ Bloody hell! Coffee for 50 bucks??!! Is this the blasted Waldorf Astoria or what?’. At the very instant this dampener on the jovial spirit makes its entry in your mind, a nonchalant look makes its own appearance on your face as if you had expected nothing else and have been having coffee at Barista’s for as long as you remember.
You coolly ask her ‘So, what would you like to have?’, all the while hoping desperately that she will pick Cappucino – the cheapest of the lot. But, just like love,( if you want it badly, you will never get it), your wish is not fulfilled. She goes for the jugular - Moccachino with Irish cream flavor along with a black forest pastry. There is no escape now. It is your turn to order. There is no way you can go for that Cappucino (whose cost seems like peanuts by this time) because if you do, the girl will
1) think you are a cheapo
2) feel embarrassed by the fact that she placed such an expensive order and by her embarrassment will make you feel like a cheapo.
Either of these outcomes is not desirable now, is it? So you order an even more expensive coffee, but being a man who thinks on his feet (weird expression – as if the rest think on their hands) politely decline a pastry saying ‘I have diabetes’. An absolutely brilliant stroke of genius, I must say. With these three magic words, you ensured that she will look upon you with respect (“Wow! That is some willpower this guy has.”) and sympathy (“Poor fellow! He’ll have to hop around blind and on a wooden leg.Aww..” For your sake I hope she stops the last thought at “Poor fellow!”
) and say the three magic words every man loves to hear “I hate shopping!”..well, if she says that along with “I love you”, then that will just be the lemon juice on fish curry( as you are diabetic, I refrained from the icing-on-the-cake phrase…oops! I didn’t!), wont it? I am sorry if you had to re-read the previous sentence over and over again. I’ll try to get over my fetish with brackets (but that will be hard coz I am always reminded of this emoticon (I) I used them again! Darn it!).

Anyway, now you finally sit down with the mug of coffee and take a sip…splutter!phlup, phlup!yuck! The coffee doesn’t have sugar in it! You are about to blast the guys behind the counter when you see her opening a sugar sachet and pouring the contents into the mug. Just in time! She looks at you and asks
“You ok?”
“Oh yes! Nothing. Just a bit hotter than I expected. Can you pass me the sugar?”
“But aren’t you diabetic?”
(“Shitty shit shit!! Damn her!”)
“Oops! Ya. Old habits die hard.” (Sheepish grin)

And so you sit, inwardly sulking, outwardly relishing every sip, cursing your thinking-on-the-feet brain. The double ordeal of consuming that bitter liquid and watching her gorge on the Black Forest pastry takes a toll on you. Your auto-scan feature shuts down and all you can think of is to get the hell out of there. Finally, it is over. You trudge out, heading for the Mall exit when she says,
“I am hungry. Lets go to Pizza Place.”
You stare at her. You feel trapped for the second time. You know you can’t let it happen to you again. It is time for some desperate measures. You beg your brain to forgive you and come up with something. Your brain, though feeling insulted, nevertheless thinks “Oh what the hell! I have been with this guy for a long time. And come to think of it, wasn’t it I who had been commanding his mouth to curse myself? Weird! I have to look into this programming bug right away.” and comes up with a brilliant plan. You find yourself saying thus,
“I think you should rather go to the gym.”
(“Brain!! What the heck are you doing??”
Brain – “Shit. The programming bug is acting up again.”)
“What??!! You mean to say I am fat?”
“Ask your jeans.”
(“I’ll kill you, you Bastard!”
Brain-“This is going beyond control. I am actually saying I want to kill myself and calling myself names! Have to get that new debugger program from downloads.com which Sixth Sense was raving about.”)
“That’s it! I am going! Bye.”
“Enter your home sideways, lest you get stuck! Bye!”
(“Now you are really in for it, you ungrateful pig!”
Brain – “Why is the download taking so long?”)

You stare at her retreating figure, trying to find some justification for what you just said. Alas! You realize that she would have been a strong contender for Mrs. India. You drag your feet out of the mall, vowing never to set foot there again. Suddenly, you see Mita, your buddy’s girlfriend entering the mall.
“Hi there! How are you?”
“Hi Mita! You are looking nice.”
“Thanks. Hey, I want you to meet Neha, my friend.”
(“What a babe!!”)
“Hi Neha!”
“Hi! We are going to Barista’s. Coming?”
“Sure!” (Groan..)