Sir Mr.Iyyan Kumar

Sample this:

The scene is that of inside a software company. A hushed silence envelops the entire bay with a few murmurs to reassure everyone that no one has died. Suddenly,
“ooooohhh….yeaaahhhh, baby….ooooooohhhh”. Repeated twice.
Guy fumbling with his jeans to get the damned thing out (the cellphone, not wotever else u were thinking).
“Shit! Should have changed the ringtone.”
The young crowd has suppressed giggles written large on their faces. The senior guys are scandalized.
Guy finally manages to hit the call receive button. Boredom and sanity–for the youngsters and oldies respectively, return.

“Hello?”
“Hello, is this Mr. Iyyan Kumar?”
“Umm..Yeah”
“Good morning sir! Sir, I am Nisha, calling from ITITI. Sir, we are offering you a lifetime free gold credit card sir.”
“Really?? A lifetime free credit card? Wow! Awesome! Just the thing I was looking for!”
“Sir, are you interested in it?”
“Of course I am! This is probably the best thing that has happened to me in days!”
“So Sir, may I send over our representative to you tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow? Why so late? You tell me his address and I’ll come over right now! I hope he is not diabetic?”

Or this:

“Hello?”
“Hello, is this Mr. Iyyan?”
“Ya.”
“Good morning sir! I am Disha, calling on behalf of Chitty-chitty-bang-Bank. Sir, you are using our credit card, is that right?”
“Ya.”
“Sir, as you are our extremely valued customer, our bank has pre-approved a loan for you till a maximum amount of 5 lakhs!”
“Extremely valued customer? Oh boy! I am touched. Finally someone has recognized my true worth as an individual. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I felt I was suffocating in this sea of living machinery, you know? It was as if my life had no meaning until and unless I did something wrong – that was the only time someone knew I existed. It was like..”
“Sir so you are interested in taking this loan?”
“You know what? I am so happy that I’ll take the entire loan amount and go splurge on your credit card. You made my day, Disha. I am so happy that I can cry..(sob) .”
“Umm..uh, well..thank you sir.”

Dear reader, if you are working in a call center, I know Iyyan Kumar seems like the dream-come-true bakra/customer. However, if are about to press alt+tab and search for Iyyan Kumar in your never-updated database, then I would strongly advise you not to for two reasons – firstly, there is no Iyyan Kumar, and secondly, he is not your dream come true customer.

Rather, the conversations he has go something on these lines :

““Hello?”
“Hello, is this Mr. Iyyan Kumar?”
“Umm..Yeah”
“Good morning sir! Sir, I am Nisha, calling from ITITI. Sir, we are offering you a lifetime free gold credit card sir.”
“ Fire!!! My clothes are on fire!! Helppppppp..I am going to die!!!! Aaaaaaa….aaaaa…..aa…...a…(big gasp)….…(smaller gasp).….(last gap).…(silence)....”
“Sir? sir?....Oh my god!! Hey Tina! Help!! My customer died on me!! Oh my god!!….”

A bit dramatic but might just prove to be effective if they are not in the habit of calling up dead people.

Don’t get me wrong (get me chocolates, if you can). I have nothing against call centers. My friends can forget me and stop calling me but these friendly voices will always remind me that there are people who care about me…..being neck deep in debt or overspending. Just kidding, u call girls…oops..i mean call center girls :D

Contrary to popular perception, call center girls are not ‘loose’, both literally (wink, wink) and behavior wise. Recently, a bong girl called me up and tried selling me medical insurance. We had a nice chat in Bengali which also included my marriage plans. Anyway, pathetic as I am at Maths, I asked her to call me the next day and explain the plan in detail. That night, a casanovic (it’s a wonder its not in the dictionary) friend of mine boasted about how easy it was to get the cellphone numbers of the call center girls who call you up. Just say u r busy and ask for the number saying you will call them at that number when you are free. He said he already had 5 numbers. I was suitably impressed and suitably blind to the fact that he had a way with girls which I could never have. So fuelled by this thought, when she called me the next day, I did just what he had told me to. Imagine my surprise and hurt when she coolly said that that wont be possible and instead she will call me again when I was free. I was never free after that.


Well, now that you have come so far, you must be expecting some sort of a conclusion to the whole call center affair (pun unintended). Like, what is my opinion on the whole industry, right? Wrong! If you have read my first blog, then you would remember what I had said I would do – waste your time. If you want news, views and loose screws (pun unintended again), go watch some news channel where all the news is broken or just use your head.

“oooooohhh mama!!.......ohhhhhhhh yesssssss….oooh yeaaaaaahhh….”
Shit! Still haven’t changed the ringtone…