HUAACK!

Have you ever wondered, if we cud vomit at will ( I can actually - stick a finger at the back of my tongue), then how easy so many things wud become?

Say u r at a party and chatting with Mr. Sujit Jindal. He addresses u thus,

"So you see, when the stocks of Arient Technologies were down, I bought them for 50 bucks a piece. But according to insider reports, they were shortly going to go up, to around 120 bucks!! Can you imagine it? So I called up my broker and asked him to.."

HUAACK!!!

He hurriedly tries to brush the vomit off with his hanky, but instead, merely spreads it like cheese spread on bread. He departs hurriedly to the men's toilet and you continue your evening in peace.

Or say, you just pushed the villain over the cliff for he just tried to murder you. But just before going over, he grabbed on to your hand for support. He is 50 kgs heavier than you and you know you will be dragged down with him. You start shouting, ‘Chhod mera haath kameene! Chhod! Chhod!’ (just like the bollywood damsels in distress), but the villain has more work ex than you and doesn’t pay heed to your advice. What do you do then? Exactly!

HUAACK!! Yet again!

By some weird logic of the brain, he becomes more concerned about getting the vomit off his face than saving his life. In the end, he does neither.

An unconventional use of this unique talent can be when you are trying to break some particularly bad news to your parents. Imagine yourself to be gay (if you are gay, then imagine how different things wud be if u tried this method when u came out of the closet [ if you havent yet done that, read on!!]). Today is the day when you have decided to break the news to your staunchly conservative parents. But how to do that? You dont hv the guts to just say it directly. You know Dad will say 'Thats disgusting!'. Suddenly it hits you! You go to your parents, and

HUAACK!

straight into your cupped hands. Then when you have collected two handsful, you gulp it right back. Your dad says,

'Thats disgusting!!'

'Dad, I am gay.'

'Ya, ok. Just get out!'

Easy, wasn’t it?

Now picture this: Imagine yourself to be a lady (if you are a metrosexual, shouldn’t be that hard). The guy you were dating for sometime has asked you out for a dinner at an expensive restaurant. He looks unusually fidgety and keeps giving you nervous smiles.

Then, as soon as you order, he says,

‘Mona, I want to say something to you.’

‘You love me, eh?’

‘Wha..What? Umm.. yeah. Yeah, I love you more than anyone else in the whole world.’

‘And you would do anything for me?’

‘I’d give my life for you.’

‘You are not kidding, are you?’

‘Of course not!’

‘Hmm…’

KHACHACK!

The fork makes its debut inside living flesh.

‘Aaaaaaaahhhh…you stabbed me!! Ahhh…ohhhh…’

‘Well, my last boyfriend said the same thing but he left me for a pair of artificial mammary glands, so I had to be sure.’

‘But you killed me….oh gaaaawddd…!!’

‘Haven’t you seen Mohabbatein? Love never dies, lovers do. You were a true lover. Adios, dear! Guess I better cancel your order.’

To put it mildly, a bit of a severe test of a man’s love for his lady, isn’t it? However, the only problem with this test is that dead lovers don’t make for a great romance. So how to overcome this hurdle? Lets look at the previous scene again, but with the necessary changes.

‘Mona, I want to say something to you.’

‘You love me, eh?’

‘Wha..What? Umm.. yeah. Yeah, I love you more than anyone else in the whole world.’

‘And you would do anything for me?’

‘I’d give my life for you.’

‘You are not kidding, are you?’

‘Of course not!’

‘Hmm…’

‘Hey!! Watch out! What do you think you are doing?’

You, caught in mid-plunge with the fork, check yourself.

‘Oh….just a thought. Anyway, your dying is of no use to me. I haven’t yet bought that Rohit Bal suit. So just drink this and prove your love.’

‘Drink wha…’

HUAACK!

Straight into the wine glass. A few patrons at neighbouring tables, witnessing the drama, lend moral support to you, albeit involuntarily, by replicating your act.

You witness another strange logic of the brain. Apparently, committing suicide seems easier than consuming your partner’s vomit – even though you have heard the oft repeated adage – ‘Jhootha khaane se pyaar badhtaa hai’.

Of course, using this technique might result you in not finding true love for a long long time. But when he does come along, rest assured, he will be THE man. And he will definitely not have any problems in changing nappies either, and you can be sure that food will never go waste in your house – digested or otherwise.

I invite readers to spill out any more ideas (pun obviously intended) which they have. As the leading air sickness bag manufacturer Puke (pronounced pu-kee, just like Nike) says,

‘Just Vomit.’